Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
