Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
