no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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