explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Randomize
