I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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