dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
