Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
