Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
