why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You can't motorboat a personality
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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