shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
