Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
