Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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