you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
