He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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