I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
