Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
