Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
