Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
