She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Randomize
