I faked an abortion last night.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
