Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
