Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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