6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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