Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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