I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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