38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
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