I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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