based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
