Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
