I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
