just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
