he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
