I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
