If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
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