I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
