I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
