it hurts more in the daytime
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
