Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
