I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
