Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
