Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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