I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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