let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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