I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
