I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
