I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
