I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
