Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
