I think I died a long time ago.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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