Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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